A Few of Kat's Favorite Posts: Forgiving Potaskey

In the dream, I was some sort of actress-I know because I had handlers. I even had one person whose sole task was to answer my phone.

"Potaskey's in the lobby" She told me.

I was getting my toes done while somebody briefed me on something and I turned to her and said, "Well what does he want?"

"He says he wants to be forgiven."

So, Potaskey came up and stood before me, and I thought it would be so easy, but, in a dream-like way, I was unable to get the words out:

"Yes...I...Forg" and my mouth shut up and I couldn't speak. I could speak when I tried to say anything else, but when I tried to say the word "forgive," nothing came out.
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I woke up at 3am. I didn't want to admit that I was still angry at my first boyfriend, and that maybe my heart never quite healed. I didn't want to be someone having a haunting dream about something so completely OVER-but I was. And I realized that my dream was right, I 'd never forgiven Potaskey, and he needed to be forgiven.

Potaskey made a lot of mistakes. He was 20, an actor, and he had a lot of shit going on, so you can't necessarily blame him. But, he was my first love, and he'd given up on me when the going got tough, and I haven't found anyone since who makes me feel that way. So, in my mind, in some ways, because he was the only guy I'd ever loved and he couldn't love me back, Potaskey had rendered me unlovable.

When he broke up with me, Potaskey blamed me for all these horrible things going on in his life, and I, following form, had blamed Potaskey for the romantic pattern that followed his exit. If I had met someone new who I loved, who loved me back, forgiving Potaskey would be easy. If there was someone else who proved, with actual evidence that Potaskey's earlier decision was wrong, then I could forgive him for making a mistake. But if I was alone, having tried and failed to meet someone to love, his decision loomed in the background.

At 1:00 in afternoon, I called Potaskey on the phone, and told him about my dream. Together, for an hour or so, we picked at the scab. Potaskey said everything that should've made me fee better. I finally got answers to all my questions and I truly understood where he was coming from. Potaskey really believed the entire thing was his fault (which, I have to say, at least 90% of it was).

"You were this amazing girl and I couldn't step up to the plate." Potaskey said. "It was just too hard to figure out how to fit you into my life, and it was so much easier to just let you go. I had so many things I was worried about, and I completely blamed them all on you, and then cut you out, so all my problems would go away."

But, surprise, surprise, the problems didn't go away. And now, Potaskey felt incredibly guilty, and this guilt has been tearing at him for three years.

"It's funny you dreamt that," Potaskey said. "Because it's incredibly true. I need you to forgive me."

I told him I was angry, because he gave up on me, just when we were starting to get to the good stuff, and he made me feel like I was easy to just throw away. He told me he learned more from our four month relationship than any other one he'd had and that he thought I was the smartest person he would ever meet-"I just felt intelligent being around you."

Before we hung up, I said "I 95% forgive you." But the more I think about it, the more I realize that he would've held me back from becoming all the things that I am, because he, even in his own words, "wasn't man enough for the job." I think I 100% forgive him.
Even though he dumped me, I realized for the first time that he was the loser: he had the opportunity of a liftetime in me, and he blew it. He had Godiva and he deserved Hersheys. And now, maybe he's figuring out how to deserve Ghiradelli.

What did I do wrong? I just picked the wrong guy and loved him with my whole heart. If I can love a total loser with my whole heart, think how great I'll do when I meet a real winner?