A Few of Clarice's Favorite Posts: Boundaries of Friendship

There he was...sitting...smiling as I walked into the Cafe. He stood, gave me a HUGE WARM hug, and offerred to take my jacket.

"You look really great, Clarice" --he said giving me the eye up and down

"Thanks...you do too.." -- I replied cautiously but truly heartfelt.

He did look great. Every inch of him looked better than I remember from the last time I met up with him a lil less than a month ago. Everytime I see him, there's a little light that goes off inside of me...I light up...like a little girl on Christmas morning...like a teenager finally getting her first ounce of freedom...I don't know what it is about him...but all my problems/stresses seem to disappear the minute he's around.

He bought me some coffee and we sat among candles, catching up. We talked about changes in the past weeks, jobs, halloween costume possibilities, sports, life....us.

"So....how's your dating life these days?" -- he asked honestly

"Oh it's been interesting....to say the least" -- I said, caught off guard. It has been. With flare ups of exes, sugar daddys, "straight" VERY metro men, and rapist friends, I've hand enough on my plate recently--but every ounce of me still yearned for the man sitting opposite.

"Well, because of all the traveling and everything, I really haven't had any time to do anything other than work...and sleep....I can't play the field as much as you 23 yr olds can..." he teased grabbing my hand.

I laughed, nervously. BUT I DON'T WANT TO PLAY THE FIELD...I wanted to scream from the rooftops....I WOULD MUCH RATHER JUST BE WITH YOU....But instead, I took my hand out of his, and stood up to go get some water.

He noticed a couch open up in the back, so we switched spots, and sat next to each other on the sunken "you will never be able to get back up again" sofa. He put his arm around me. Everything felt right. We continued talking about random things--I found myself wondering what it would have been like if we had never stopped dating in the first place. If right now, I had been seeing him for 4 months...what would our relationship be like then? I mean it felt more comfortable than ever...his arm around me....our eyes fixated on one another....at ease just being ourselves....but technically we are "just friends." So what is the boundary of friendship?

We continued talking...he played with my "death" ring, interlocking fingers with me. He listened intently as I told him about stresses these past couple months--he offerred worldly advice. We reminisced about "old times" and "old promises" and made new ones in the process. Time flew by (as it always does with him) and before I knew it, the coffee shop was emptying and it was time to say goodnight.

He helped me put on my jacket, opened the door for me and walked me to my stoop. We made tentative (depending on weather) plans to hit up CP next weekend and both said how good it was to see one another. He gave me a big hug. We both held on probably longer than friends should. We looked at each other in silence. He touched my face with his hand, brushed the stray hair out of my eyes, and said he'd talk to me soon.

I jumbled my keys--used the wrong one to try and unlock the door--we both laughed. I finally got in, turned and said goodnight...he said bye, waved, and started walking home. I called my mom as soon as I was in both doors and told her about my night...asking what it meant....telling her things I felt....things I want...things I don't.

Friendship--are he and I "just friends?" Well we were definitely more than friends while dating, definitely more than friends when we hooked up back in September, and last night, felt more than ever, like something beyond "just friends." Maybe we are meant to be friends....maybe we are meant to be something more...but further down the line...maybe all that is to be at this moment is friendship. If there is one thing I've learned--it's that sometimes you have to let life take its own pace. You can't speed up life, you can't slow it down...you have to let it operate independently and subsequently extract out of it as much as is humanly possible. Take advantage of the opportunities presented but don't EVER try to make out of them, something they're not. Fantasize, but don't disillusion yourself. And ALWAYS know 3 people you can count on, when the going gets a little too rough.

I don't believe there are any defined boundaries of friendship other than the obvious. I believe each relationship defines its own boundaries and is defined on its own terms. Sometimes two people don't need a "definition" to explain where they stand in the realm of each others lives. If both are happy with where they stand and how they relate to the other, then so be it. Sometimes I think definitions, rather than "defining" something, actually muddy things up.

So for now, I breathe in...I breathe out. I realize there are plenty of opportunities for love in this city...I just have to have the patience to let things happen as they happen. Who knows what time will bring? All I know, is that somewhere out there, someone is waiting, just for me